Post 40 - The Ultimate douche-bag.

Who remembers this fucking idiot?

Chances are if you're male and between the ages of 25-30, he'll need no introduction, but for those of you who are uninitiated into the world of American professional wrestling, that 'roided up, multicoloured mullet on legs is none other than Jim Hellwig, aka "The Ultimate Warrior". The Warrior was, during the late 80s and early 90s, one of the most popular pro-wrestlers in the world, simply because he was at the top of the game in about 1989 when WWF Wrestling becamse a massive overnight success and took the world by storm. The kids who were watching (including a 10 year old me) instantly went crazy for his high octane matches, colourful ring attire and tendency to steam-roller anyone who got in his path (though at the time, I didn't realise that merely punching and clotheslining someone for 30 seconds then pinning them wasn't actually good wrestling). The Warrior, after winning the World Championship, then let his ego skyrocket and began making outlandish demands to the owner of WWF, Vince McMahon. On the day of the biggest match of the year at the Summer Slam PPV in 1991, The Warrior told Vince he was refusing to wrestle unless he was paid a large sum of money. Vince was sort of backed into a corner since he'd sold about 50,000 tickets for the show, and many more Pay-Per-Views around the world on the promise of an Ultimate Warrior main event, so he paid him the money. As soon as the show was over, Vince called The Warrior into his office and promptly fired him. After a few months on the sidelines he was re-hired by WWF, where a recent investigation had caused them to ban steroid use in all forms. When he returned, The Warrior was noticeably much thinner, and had taken to wearing a flesh coloured jumpsuit with muscles painted on it to try and disguise this. During this second stint, he again tried making wild demands of his employers, and was quietly released again the same year after, surprise surprise, failing a drugs test. After flitting in and out of various wrestling companies and being repeatedly fired for thinking he was the biggest star in the history of the world and making ridiculous demands, Jim Hellwig retired from wrestling in 1999.

And so to nowadays. The Ultimate Warrior is a cunt. After retiring, Jim Hellwig decided to get involved in politics, aligning himself on the far right wing. He also started a career as an after dinner speaker, occasions which he deemed a suitable platform to air his far right views. After being invited to be the after-dinner speaker for an American University graduation ball last year, where no doubt the graduates decided it would be a bit of nostalgic fun to have one of their childhood hereos as a guest, Hellwig told the room full of university graduates, to "Remember, queering don't make the world work". Among the other colourful quotes attributed to old Jim are a few of these beauties:

"Look, the facts are that AIDS is mostly spread, and held, by people that are promiscuous, and in Africa, where there's incest and all that other stuff."

"We live in a society where the bum is as legitimate as the business man, where homosexuals are the same as good straight people, where Kwanzaa is the same as Christmas."

In addition, Hellwig is currently writing a book about the core values of conservatism, which he will be releasing under the title “America: Get It, Or Get Out!”.

In a final act of petulance against Vince McMahon and the WWF, Jim Hellwig recently legally changed his name to Mr Ultimate Warrior, knowing that if that was his actual name it would stop McMahon from producing merchandise with the Ultimate Warrior name on it, or using his image in any way. He also changed his children’s last name to Warrior.

And to top it off, when asked to appear on a WWF program recently to be interviewed by the hosts Todd Grisham and Darren Drozdov (a former pro wrestler who was injured in the ring and left paralysed from the neck down), Warrior refused, releasing a very controversial page long statement in which he refused to have anything to do with “the cripple and the queer”.

It pisses me off. It pisses me off that people that ignorant exist in the world, it pisses me off that people that ignorant have the opportunity to become role-models to impressionable children around the world, and it pisses me off that one of my childhood heroes has lowered to becoming such a turd. With that in mind, I decided to send Warrior an email telling him my thoughts on his right wing views, how it bothered me that he felt it was OK to preach those beliefs to people, and that I felt it was wrong of him to judge and discriminate people in such blatant fashion. However as I sat down and started typing, something went wrong between what I had written in my head and what ended up in the email. In the end, I fired this off to the Warrior’s inbox:

From: Dissolvo Ray (dissolvoray@hotmail.co.uk)
To: ‘mrwarrior@earthlink.net’
Sent: 21st March 2007 21:14
Subject: Queering don't make the world work.

Dear Mr Warrior.

I would just like to express to you that you are a disgusting, xenophobic, homophobic sack of crap and I would like to wish you nothing but misery and bad karma for the rest of your lonely life. What's more, you are one of the worst wrestlers in recent history. It's not often I agree with Vince McMahon, but firing your lame ass was the smartest move he ever made.

Regards,

Ray *******


I do hope he responds.

Song currently stuck in my head – “Janie’s Got A Dissolvo Ray” by Zombina & The Skeletones.
dissolvoray@hotmail.co.uk